We were now attending Mass each week as a family. Our faith
life began to grow. I found myself missing the Eucharist more and more each
week. As the patriarch of Clan Collins I needed to get our family into a right
relationship with God. How does a Catholic, civilly divorced and remarried
outside of the Church go about reconciling this relationship?
According to Catholic teaching there are only three ways
this can be done:
1: Your original spouse dies. Once your spouse dies you are
no longer bound by the sacrament of marriage and are free then to marry again (until
death do us part…remember?).
2: You and your current spouse take a vow to live as brother
and sister. You see, it’s all about the sex. Sex is reserved to one man and one
woman bound together in a covenantal marriage. Notice that I did not say a
sacramental marriage. It is possible to have a Church blessed wedding that is
not sacramental. This is often the case between interfaith marriages (a
Catholic and a Buddhist) or in the case where one of the spouses is not
baptized. The marriage is recognized but it is not a sacrament and you do not
receive the sacramental grace that goes along with it.
Couples in my situation can take a vow to live as brother
and sister, that is, live in a sexless relationship. Once done I could receive
the Sacrament of Reconciliation and then be able to start receiving the
Eucharist again.
3: You can seek an annulment.
Seeing my original wife was not dead and that there was
little chance of this new marriage going sexless seeking an annulment was my
only choice if I wanted to right this relationship with God. An annulment is not a Catholic divorce. If a
person can show where there was something not correct with the first marriage
then that marriage can be declared void – it wasn’t a marriage from the start.
So what constitutes a valid marriage, which can never be
annulled?
There are three basic requirements for two people to wed in
the Catholic Church:
1: The couple must be capable and free to marry – they must
be a man and a woman of proper maturity who are free from any impediment to
marry.
2: The couple must be freely giving their consent to marry
one another. No arranged or shotgun marriages allowed.
3: They must follow the canonical matter and form required by
the church.
An annulment in the Catholic Church is a very serious
matter. The Church is basically ruling that a conferred sacrament was never
really conferred in the first place. This is something they have to be
absolutely sure about. If your first marriage was indeed a validly sacramental
marriage and they allow you to remarry the sin is on the person who allowed it.
I am sure there is no honest priest who wishes his soul be damned to hell just
to let a couple he will likely never see again unknowingly commit adultery.
Because of this the Church has a very arduous, thorough and
legalistic process that must be completed. Each spouse is appointed an advocate. Something a kin to a deposition must be
completed by the person seeking the annulment as well as at least four
witnesses who knew the couple before and after the marriage. The other spouse
is given a chance to give their side of the story and contest the annulment if
they so desire. The couple must also be civilly divorced before starting this
process.
Once all of the paperwork is complete the advocates go over
it and it is brought before a tribunal for review. If the tribunal feels that
there are grounds to proceed the petition for annulment is then sent to a judge
for a ruling. If the judge finds just cause to issue the annulment it is
automatically sent to the court of second chance. There everything is reviewed
once again and a final decree is then issued. If both judges come to the same
conclusion a decree of nullity is issued and both parties are free to marry
again.
Like I said, this is serious stuff. The Church has to make
sure that it gets this right.
But all the thoroughness comes with a price. My annulment
was pretty straight forward. It still took the better part of ten months to
complete. This is the process the recent synod on the family has been
discussing. How can we be thorough and correctly review each petition yet speed
things up and make it an easier process?
I thought my annulment was pretty cut and dried. I was surprised
at the amount of time it took. My ex had hidden the fact that she was gay from
me so I did not have the knowledge I needed in the beginning to make an
informed choice. The grounds on which my annulment was filed was indeed
deception on her part even though it was not a wanton or malicious act. She was
struggling with that issue at the time we were dating so neither of us were “free”
to marry when we made the decision to do so.
As for me they ruled that I lacked the proper maturity to be
able to marry. My ex was the first person I honestly dated and therefore they
felt that I jumped into marriage far too quickly. In retrospect they were
right. In the end they granted me the annulment which made it possible for me
to remarry.
My wife was also married before. Her husband was “Catholic”
although he didn’t actively practice, if he believed any of it at all. She also
had to have her first marriage reviewed for validity although she did not have
to petition for an annulment. Her review was much simpler than mine. First, she
wasn’t baptized. Second, her ex had been married several times without ever
seeking an annulment. Third their marriage lacked the proper form and matter to
be considered a valid marriage. Form and matter is a topic of another
discussion and another time. It was ruled that she was also free to marry.
That was the largest hurdle in getting this relationship
right with God. We were both now free to marry and we could get our marriage blessed
by the Church. Seeing my wife was not baptized we could have a blessed marriage
but not a sacramental one. If we had a blessed marriage and she were to get
baptized it would instantly become a sacramental marriage and we would receive
all the grace the sacrament brings with it.
We were taking big steps forward and God had many more
blessings in store for us.
