It was an overcast Sunday. I went to Mass alone, because
returning this first time had to be something I did alone. I sat in the parking
lot and stared at the church. It looked menacing and I was intimidated. I could
imagine how the prodigal son must have felt as he looked upon the place of his
birth after foolishly squandering his inheritance. How would I be welcomed?
What would people think of me?
I got out of the car and walked up the steps to the doors. I
went inside and sat in the very last pew all the way to the right of the
church. I tried to be as invisible as I could. As Mass began a sense of calm
came over me and I was filled with a joy so great that it was hard to keep the
tears from flowing and flow they did. I did not receive the Eucharist that day
and that was alright by me. Jesus had welcomed me back.
Before I walked away from the Church those many years before
I had been an Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion and I received the
Eucharist every week. I did so without ever receiving the Sacrament of
Reconciliation, even one time. As I have said, I was a Catholic with Lutheran
baggage. I thought the Church was wrong to demand that only Catholics in good
standing be the only ones who received communion. They would share the word of
God with anyone who would listen but they kept the body of God to themselves.
Why not give the body of God to anyone who wanted it and let God work from
within those people. What could it hurt?
That was before I learned the original meaning of the word ‘sacrament’.
Sacrament originally meant “oath to the death”. It was what Roman soldiers took
to Caesar. When we go up for communion we aren’t going to receive but to give.
When we accept Jesus in the flesh we are pledging a solemn oath to the death
that we will give our lives for him. This is the most serious thing we can ever
do and it should never be done flippantly. I think that if Catholics actually
understood and believed what they were doing when they receive the Eucharist the
lines to receive our Lord would be even shorter than they are today.
In the Lord’s Prayer we ask that we aren’t led into
temptation. More accurately translated we are asking that we not be put to the
test. We aren’t asking protection from any run of the mill temptation – don’t
tempt me in taking a penny when I don’t need one or the temptation to eat too
many donuts. What we pray is that we
aren’t put to the ultimate test, the test of Peter. Would we freely go to the
cross with our Lord the way he did for us or would we deny him three times like
Peter did before the crucifixion? That is the temptation or test we pray
we never have to take.
When I entered the church that day I did so without my
Lutheran baggage, with a greater knowledge of what my faith teaches and an
understanding that obedience is more pleasing to God than even sacrifice. This is the date of my second, my full and my
complete conversion.
God wants to mold all of us in his image. Instead of being
soft clay needing a gentle touch I chose to be granite needing repeated whacks
with a large hammer. My rock hard heart was now beginning to soften.